Hey There, Indiana.

Hey there, Indiana.

Now, don't be offended, but I had to look you up. Yes... I'm one of those Elitists. I'm sorry, but as far as I'm concerned, you're not a state until Sufjan Stevens dedicates an album to you.

You're looking good today, by the way.

Actually, the reason I'm here is that it's your turn soon, and I need you to vote for Obama. I'm blunt, I know, and this is unacceptable, especially on a first date. But I can't take it anymore. I can't take the games and the lies and the pandering and the bowling and the drinking and the gun holding and the stupid debates and Chris Matthews hates women, I know, but let's move on, and the ads with Osama and the singing celebrities, oh, please no more singing celebrities.

Pennsylvania messed up. No big deal. You can do better, Indiana. Indy.

How funny is it... I've only known you for half-an-hour, but I really feel a connection. Do you feel what I feel, Indiana?

1. McCain Uses His Own Push to Leave Somalia as Reason to Stay in Iraq 2. McCain is a Communist? 3. Things Look Good in Iraq (2003)

"And the challenge we face is that in Somalia, we left. Beirut, we left. We can't leave. And clearly, these people study history as we do, and they think, well, inflict a few more casualties on the United States, and we'll have a Somalia or a Beirut. We've got to show our steadfastness." (2003)

“Mr. President, can anyone seriously argue that another six months of United States forces in harm’s way means the difference between peace and prosperity in Somalia and war and starvation there? Is that very dim prospect worth one more American life? No, it is not.” (1993)





"But I want to remind you, Chairman Mao said, 'First you've got to feed the stomach, then the brain.'" (2003)

"I was reminded of the words of Chairman Mao -- it’s always darkest before it’s totally black." (2008)




"And again, let's not forget things are going very well in the north and in the south." (2003)

Dear Jimmy,

Dear Jimmy,

You know, you don't look so good in this picture. You look, well, old. But that's not why I'm writing you this letter. I'm writing because while you're in Israel and Palestine, over here some people criticize you. They say you shouldn't have met with the Hamas official. They say you hugged him. Did you? Did you hug the bad man?

One has to wonder why so many people get upset about two people hugging, one of whom is, well, an old man. And what's so wrong with an old man hugging someone, anyway?

And look at that--while the Israeli government ignores you and the US government criticizes you, while cycles of violence expand throughout the world and threaten to take us all with them, the man you hugged said this: "Carter asked what he can do to achieve peace between the Palestinians and Israel ... and I told him the possibility for peace is high."
Jimmy, you make me believe peace can still be achieved in my time. And that's pretty good for an old man. Good luck to us all.

And thank you.

Seriously, You're Not Helping

Seriously, you're not helping. And it's getting old. And the crazy guy is going to win the elections if you don't stop.

And stop being a hypocrite. You say Obama is out of touch with the real people but your pearl necklace is worth more than I'll ever make, so who are we kidding?

I stood behind you when the Fascists attacked you and your husband because I knew their attacks were motivated by hatred and by sexism and by fear, but seriously, you're not doing yourself any favors here.

And I'm trying to be nice, really, but when you complain about Obama's comments against clinging to guns to the point that you say you hunted ducks as a child... I mean, enough already. Go home. You have a nice house and you have a lot of money. You can write another autobiography: "How I stayed in the race a little too long, but thanks Gosh I finally got out." See what I did there? It's because I know you're a big Christian.

Liar.