Bad news for Obama

My Wish List

I want the next President to get us out of Iraq. I want the President to have a pragmatic Israel/Palestine policy that will not involve blind eyes and empty buzz words. I want my next President to stop the Don't Ask Don't Tell. And I want my next President to end the losing war on drugs. And by the way, stop the war on sex, too.

I know it's a lot to ask, and I haven't even touched on economic matters. And I know you've had a tough few weeks and a tougher battle still awaits you.

So tonight, I'm not going to ask any of these things. Instead, let me just congratulate you.

But if and when you are the President, remember my wish list. Keep me in your thoughts. I know I'm just a man with a list, and I know all I can do is imagine you can hear me. But I have to believe I'm not the only one.

Sincerely,

Hey There, Indiana.

Hey there, Indiana.

Now, don't be offended, but I had to look you up. Yes... I'm one of those Elitists. I'm sorry, but as far as I'm concerned, you're not a state until Sufjan Stevens dedicates an album to you.

You're looking good today, by the way.

Actually, the reason I'm here is that it's your turn soon, and I need you to vote for Obama. I'm blunt, I know, and this is unacceptable, especially on a first date. But I can't take it anymore. I can't take the games and the lies and the pandering and the bowling and the drinking and the gun holding and the stupid debates and Chris Matthews hates women, I know, but let's move on, and the ads with Osama and the singing celebrities, oh, please no more singing celebrities.

Pennsylvania messed up. No big deal. You can do better, Indiana. Indy.

How funny is it... I've only known you for half-an-hour, but I really feel a connection. Do you feel what I feel, Indiana?

1. McCain Uses His Own Push to Leave Somalia as Reason to Stay in Iraq 2. McCain is a Communist? 3. Things Look Good in Iraq (2003)

"And the challenge we face is that in Somalia, we left. Beirut, we left. We can't leave. And clearly, these people study history as we do, and they think, well, inflict a few more casualties on the United States, and we'll have a Somalia or a Beirut. We've got to show our steadfastness." (2003)

“Mr. President, can anyone seriously argue that another six months of United States forces in harm’s way means the difference between peace and prosperity in Somalia and war and starvation there? Is that very dim prospect worth one more American life? No, it is not.” (1993)





"But I want to remind you, Chairman Mao said, 'First you've got to feed the stomach, then the brain.'" (2003)

"I was reminded of the words of Chairman Mao -- it’s always darkest before it’s totally black." (2008)




"And again, let's not forget things are going very well in the north and in the south." (2003)

Seriously, You're Not Helping

Seriously, you're not helping. And it's getting old. And the crazy guy is going to win the elections if you don't stop.

And stop being a hypocrite. You say Obama is out of touch with the real people but your pearl necklace is worth more than I'll ever make, so who are we kidding?

I stood behind you when the Fascists attacked you and your husband because I knew their attacks were motivated by hatred and by sexism and by fear, but seriously, you're not doing yourself any favors here.

And I'm trying to be nice, really, but when you complain about Obama's comments against clinging to guns to the point that you say you hunted ducks as a child... I mean, enough already. Go home. You have a nice house and you have a lot of money. You can write another autobiography: "How I stayed in the race a little too long, but thanks Gosh I finally got out." See what I did there? It's because I know you're a big Christian.

Liar.